A reason to live

Back in the Merry Mabari, after facing my past again and realizing again there’s nothing left for me in Denerim. So many emotions in a single morning. I really need to have a bath to take all the slime out of my hair and clothes and relax.

But Kyle proposes an ale before doing anyting and I agree that it sounds also a good idea. The bath can wait.

So we sit in front of the bar and ask for beverages. I’m faithful to my usual ale. Kyle asks for wine. While we wait for them to be served, he looks at me.

“Weren’t you too harsh to that poor boy?”. He means the little thief who stole Haakan’s purse.

“We almost get killed by that thing in the pipe because of him. You can’t blame me if I was a bit upset!”

“You didn’t look like yourself”, he adds, sadly.

I agree, looking at my ale. I shouldn’t have returned to the alienage… so many bad memories… and facing again the fact that they will never accepted me there. Though climbing the Venhadhal was fun, specially seeing the faces of the Elder and the other elves when I made some of the branches fall.

“I felt ashamed of him, of myself… I wondered if I was like him when I was a kid… but I want to believe I wasn’t… If I got caught, I knew the game was over…”

“He had a sick relative”.

“And took his time to tell us. I don’t know. I look back and I know I was too cruel, but at that moment, I just wanted to jump to his throat.”

“You had been through too many things” he strokes my dirty, slimy hair. He knows I like it.

“Don’t blame yourself”.

I look at him a bit relieved.

“I don’t. Alienages are like that. But you couldn’t know it, could you?”.

He looks at his hand, now full of slime, thoughtful.

“I can. I grew up in an alienage myself”

I get so shocked to hear this that I can’t react.

“What?”

“You look cute with your mouth open”, he smiles.

For once it is me who blushes. He’s right, my jaw is down. I quickly close my mouth.

“You’re joking”

“You know me. I never joke”.

“But… in the alienage? Mallory isn’t even an elven name, is it?”

“No. I already told you I’m an orphan, like you. Lirya, the person who found me and took care of me, was an elven bard. She settled down in Highever’s alienage and raised me there. But my family name was embroidered in the blanket she found me with so she kept that name for me. If it is my real name at all”, he adds, hesitantily.

“At least she gave you one”, I sigh. “I can’t recall my family name”, I admit, sadly. “And nobody in the alienage wants to speak about what happened to my parents. Even Ser August used to change the subject when I asked him. When I found my mother’s locket amongst his belongings, he just took it back and said it was time to leave the alienage, but never gave us any explanations”.

“I’m sorry to hear that”.

“And didn’t you have problems, being a shem in the alienage?”
 
He smiles.

Kyle and Lirya, by Pham Ngoc Trinh

“A lot. I was quite a troubleseeker. But I tended to mess more with shems than with elves. And I was lucky to get the friendship of the younger of the Couslands, the family who rules there. He was like an older brother for me, and he helped me to get out of a lot of trouble. He also took an special interest into… educating me”.

 

Kyle Mallory and Ryan Cousland, by Pham Ngoc Trinh

 Oh. So that’s how he learnt his knightly, noble manners.

“And Lindy?” I ask without thinking.

“What about her?” he seems surprised by the question.

“Was she an elf too?”

He turns his attention to his cup of wine. I already regret having asked about her.

“No. She was human”, it’s his short, concise answer.

It figures. Sexy, tall and with breasts. But I don’t say that aloud.
He stays silent, looking at his beverage. You and your big mouth, Mari. Why did you have to remind him? Suddenly I feel the urge to kiss him, to take her out of his mind.

“Can I kiss you?” I ask him.

He raises his head as if I had pinched him
“What?”

“Can I kiss you?” I repeat. “If you don’t mind…”

He hesitates, but approaches his face to me, blushing as always. I take this gesture as a yes so I give him a soft kiss in the lips.

“First time you ask permission for that”, he says, while returning to his cup of wine. He’s right. But somehow it didn’t feel right to steal a kiss when his mind was so far away.

“I thought I should. You seemed to be thinking about her”.

“I was”.

“Sorry. It was my fault”, I admit.
I look at my beer myself. I’m not jealous. I can’t be, she’s been dead for more than ten years now. But my curiosity is too strong.

“Can I ask you something?”.

“What?”

“If she were still alive… if you had to choose between she and I… Who would you choose?”. He looks puzzled, so I add: “I know it is not fair… If she were alive we wouldn't have met, in first place… but I really need to know…”

He turns his attention to the empty cup again, toughtful. His green eye is shadowed and I regret having asked, but I had to spit it out. I wonder how did he look when his face was whole… before he lost his eye… He’s still handsome, but… A cruel thought crosses my mind: she has already stolen me a part of him…

“You don't have to reply if you don't want”, I say, seeing he’s taking his time. But it seems this is the line who encourages him to speak his thoughts aloud.

“Some weeks ago, in my dreams… I used to see her. In the Fade, with Nelson…”

“Nelson?”

“The mabari I got when I became an Ash Warrior. He's also dead.”

“Sorry”

“I had the feeling they were awaiting me. As if my hour were close.”
I feel a chill in my back. Maybe it was just a dream, but if we travel to the Fade when we are aslept…What if it is true that she’s there waiting for him? How can anyone fight against that?

“Do you want to know something?”, he continues, looking directly to me. “Before… before being with you… I sort of had accepted it… The idea of them greeting me when my hour arrived didn’t sound so terrible, so I was willing to face death to be by her side again”.

Nelson the Mabari And Lindy in The Fade as what Kyle had dream and meet them. Art by Pham Ngoc Trinh

 I feel tears coming to my eyes, along with confronted feelings. By one side, what he says touches me. I remember Alindra’s story and I can’t help to feel moved by such a romantic tragedy. By other side, I feel scared and heartbroken. The only idea of imagining him dead just tears my soul in pieces. I freeze.

“And…” I say, encouraging him to continue, to say something which makes me feel better.

“Then you kissed me… I mean, I already loved you… sort of… I wanted you to be happy, I loved your way to giggle, your smile, your determination…I also apreciated your company, and how you blushed when I called you “my lady”… But never thought we were meant to be together… or that you would be interested on me at all… And one day you said you were willing to leave everything behind, to start a new life, and you asked me if I wanted to be by your side… and you gave me a reason to continue living. A goal. Something… to continue ahead.”

This is starting to sound better, I think, while my heart beats a bit faster…

“And now I think that if she actually appeared again, and asked me to go with her, to wherever the dead ones go… I'd reject. I'd prefer to stay here, alive, with you, as long as we are meant to be together. I know it is not the answer you want… but is what I feel”.
It is enough for me, I think. Maybe it is not the stuff bards build legends about, but damn it, it is more than I expected. I feel much better now, even if I need to rub my eyes to make the tears go away. I realize he’s looking at me with interest.

“What are you looking at?”, I ask him.

“Why do you smile like that?”

“Like what?”

“You have a wicked smile in your face”.

A wicked smile. Maybe. My thoughts are a bit wicked now.
“Yes. Because now that I know it… if I ever see your Lindy trying to drag you away from me, I'll kick her pretty ghostly shem ass out of the Fade without any regret”.

 

Mari everyday outfit and the catfight. Art by me

He laughs quietly and messes my hair. I love hearing him laugh
“I don't doubt you would. Not at all. A catfight in the Fade… that must be a sight worth seeing”.

I laugh too. Maybe. Though I think I have already won that fight, that she won’t dare to appear in his dreams again. But I don’t say that aloud. Instead, I look at our empty jars and change the subject.

“I think it is time to take that bath and get rid of all the slime in my hair, before Haakan decides to cut it short and use it for his experiments”. I smile to him. “Shall we go?”
He blushes and shakes his head.

“I didn’t enter the pipe… I don’t need a bath. You can go alone”. He’s red all up to his ears, he surely is remembering our last bath some days ago… when I was still to dizzy to do all I had planned to do to him.

“Hey! You already bathed with me and you survived!”

“You were still convalescent. I agreed to help you. But now you are all right, you don’t need me”.

Stubborn, stubborn shem. I snort.
“Okey. I’ll go alone. But then don’t complain if I’m kidnapped by bandits on my way because you didn’t want to keep me company”.

“I would pity those bandits”, he replies.

Look at him. The one who says he never jokes. I’d kiss him again just to wipe that stupid smile out of his face, but I’m too furious to do that.

“You’re impossible”, I say while I get up and leave the tavern. But I can’t help to feel a wave of warmth and tenderness. He’s smiling again. I made him smile, to have a reason to live. I feel proud of it.

But I’m going to take my time with that bath. And after that, I’m going have a stroll to gather some elfroot for Haakan, to compensate him for having washed all his precious slime out of my hair and my clothes. So I will give Kyle time to worry and to wonder why am I so late, and maybe to consider seriously the idea that I may have been kidnapped by bandits, just because he was too coward to have a second bath with me....