Shadows

9:25, 4th day of Solace
She fears the shadows, she fights against them. Why? Don’t do that, my offspring. I need them to bring you to me, to wake up your power, to allow me share your blood again. Don’t resist. Don’t cry for help. You will be mine.
(Excerpt from Edanhor Blank’s journal, as found in Highever on 9:25, 14th day of Haring)

SHADOWS

I’m looking at the ceiling and I can’t take my eyes away of it.
No matter how many times I close them and curl over myself trying to get aslept. Silence is worse than anything. I’m always expecting to hear something… creepy noises, things which come for me. So I open my eyes. And I see the shadows. And it is even worse. But I can’t close them after I see the shadows because I’m always finding terrible shapes in them. It’s stupid, I know. But I can’t help it.

I’ve never slept alone. I mean… Eve and me were born at the same moment. We were together even in the womb. Mom and dad made us share a bed from the beginning, and at the orphanage the rooms were collective, so appart from my sister, I used to share it also with two or three more scared, wide eyed girls.

When we left with Ser August, he rented for us a twin bedded room at the Merry Mabari, so I never was alone either. And never thought about it… until Evelyn left.

That day the world crumbled over me. Half or my life was gone. You see, always saying I don’t need to be attached to anybody, and suddenly the idea of sleeping alone, of not hearing Eve’s soft breathing half a meter away, split my world in two. There was more of course, but I must admit that was one of the first things which crossed my mind. Sleeping alone.

In the darkness.
I’ve faced wicked guards, ghosts in the Fade and giant spiders. But the idea of sleeping alone still creeps me out.

And I had to start a relationship with the most old fashioned man in Thedas.
When Kyle agreed to leave the inn with me, I thought we would sleep together. Yeah. The way the Chantry forbids us to do. Why shouldn’t we? I liked him, I was sure he liked me, and we were going to run away together. So that’s what anyone would expect.

I thought his blushing would be temporary and his instinct would be stronger. But that very first night he installed his bedroll away from mine. No need to talk. He respected me, and he planned to continue doing the same that night. I must admit I found it flattering and I felt proud of him. “Ok, Mari”, I thought. “Let’s do it the right way. He’s being serious. Like knights should be.”

But I don’t count that as sleeping alone, since I could feel him some meters away from me, sleeping deeply while the fire was creeping. I felt sure and I could sleep like a log.
When the giant spider bit me, he rented a couple of rooms at the inn, but always stayed in the door of mine, watching for me. I never felt alone either.

And now we’re at the inn again… and he insists on keeping separate rooms. Each time I beg him to share, at least a twin bedded one, his answer is that it is not appropiate.
And I lay awaken in my bed, looking at the ceiling, and jumping at every little crack, at every little light. Like a child. Because I’ve never been alone before. Because the night is lonely, and the shadows make my heart chill.

I change my position again, but it is useless. I can’t sleep. The moon is high in the sky and there are surely a few hours left before dawn. If we are to part to Denerim tomorrow, I need to sleep something before I get up.

I take my blanket and get out of the room. I don’t mind what he thinks or says. His room is the one just in front of mine. He sleeps confidently, as usual. His breathing is calmed and reassuring. It warms my heart and makes my fears go away. 

Art by Pham Ngoc Trinh

I watch him sleeping, at the pale light of the moon which comes through the window. It’s nice to see him calm, not blushing. With his eye closed, he seems whole again. I resist the urge to mess his hair. I know he’s way older than me, but he still looks like a child to me.

He told me he was sixteen when he was in love for the first time. When he lost her. And I wonder if he has been alone since then, how could he cope. Now that I have him, I know I wouldn’t be able to survive if he was lost. It must have been so terrible.

If I got into the bed by his side, even if it is what my female desire yells me to do, he would wake up, blush terribly and make me go back to my room. So instead of that, I take my blanket and curl on the floor beside the bed. As I have been doing all these nights. I’ve slept on the floor too often to notice how hard it is. I feel warm, and calmed, and protected. I get aslept as soon as I close my eyes.

But today I’m not fast enough. Maybe my sleep was deeper. Or maybe he just… had to go to the loo or something. So he has woken up before I did. I hear his gasp and when I open my eyes I see him staring at me with a terrified expression in his face and covering the lower part of his body clumsily with the sheets. Because, you know, he sleeps naked. As if I cared.

“Mari! What are you doing there?”

I blush. Can you imagine it? He made me blush! But the situation is so weird I can’t help it. I bable an excuse.

“ I couldn’t sleep… I didn’t want to disturb you… Sorry, Kyle, I’m coming to my room!”
I get up and grab my blanket, but he grabs my arm.

“You shouldn’t sleep on the ground. You… you will catch a cold…”

I lower my head.
“I have my own blanket”, I reply.

“Even so”. He’s glaring at me. I wish he could understand.

“Then let me sleep with you”.

He blushes and opens his eye so wide I fear it will fall down.

“Just sleeping”, I add quickly. “Please. I can’t be alone. I’ve never been. I won’t touch you if you don’t want…”

He shakes his head. “I knew you’d ask that…” he starts…

“I know. I understand. I’m back to my room, don’t worry.”

But he doesn’t release my arm. He pats the bed by his side.

“Only sleep? Nothing more?” he asks, while I sit by his side. He’s blushing again. I smile.

“Maybe an innocent hug?” I dare, making puppy elven eyes. “As if you were my teddy bear”.

He snorts.

“Oh… okey. But just this time, deal? And then no more. Just turn away while I find... something to put on”.

I giggle and do as he wants, even if I had my share of sight to see while he was sleeping. And I liked what I saw.

There’s maybe half an hour or so to dawn. The horizon is pink, but the night is still dark. He's now in underwear, and gets in bed again letting me join him by his side. I hug him, as tight that I fear he won’t be able to breath. 

He turns his face back, maybe because he doesn’t want me to see how much he’s blushing. Maybe because other parts of his body have reacted to my touch too, I realize suddenly, but I don’t care and I don’t plan to check it. I smile. And I sink my face in his back. And I purr.

We’ll speak about this tomorrow. And tomorrow night I will sneak again into his room. And I don’t mind what he says or does.

When I wake up the following morning, full daylight entering through the window and the sing of birds filling my ears, he continues back to me. I don’t really know if he’s aslept or not, but I think it is the moment to leave this room and save him an embarrassing moment if anyone sees me. So I move gently to get rid of the sheets, and suddenly I feel the weight of his arm over my waist.

“Stay”, he whispers.

I freeze in the middle of the movement, and enjoy the feeling of his heavy arm over my thin body. I can’t believe what I heard. Has he asked me to stay? Doesn’t he really mind me sleeping with him? I turn my head and I see him looking at me. I have the feeling he has been unable to sleep during all the time I was by his side, seems we are cursed and what the one needs to sleep, is what prevents the other to do it. But I smile
“I’m going nowhere”, I reply. “Not while you allow me staying by your side”

He sinks his face in my hair. He’s still sleepy, and maybe that’s why he seems more affectionate than usual. I’m not going to complain.

“Only this morning”, he says, his voice muffled by my hair. “Take advantage of it”

I turn the rest of my body towards him, and force him to look at me again.
“Not even in separated beds? Come on, you’ve survived. And nobody is going to speak about it, they have more interesting couples to gossip about”.

He turns and leans over his back, snorting.
“You’re impossible! What’s the difference? If you can sleep in a different bed, you can sleep in a different room”

"No, I can't" I reply.

"But… why?"

“Because the first thing I want to see when I wake up is your face”

He groans and gets up, sitting on the other side of the bed.
"Are you going to run away again, as always?" I ask him, bitter. Sometimes I feel so tired of chasing him…

"Sometimes, sleeping with someone else is a sin", he says.

"Only sometimes", I try to argue.

He just puts his hand on his forehead as if he was trying to forget a nightmare. 

"You're testing my self-control. Mind should win instinct".

"Take it as warrior training. Mind over instinct", I tease him. "Come on, I can imagine worse ways to wake up"

"Worse?" he turns and looks at me by the corner of his eye.

"Well, you could wake up with a darkspawn by your side instead of me", I joke.

He smiles faintly and I try to go further through his defenses.

"Not even a morning kiss?"

"Well.. in the Fade may be", he starts, with a wicked sparkle in his eye.

"Why in the Fade, and not in reality?"

"Because I'm not sure if this is a dream or not".

Oh, so if it is a dream, it isn't a sin, is that what you're thinking?. But he doesn't give me time to reply, because suddenly he leans over me without warning. I can't react for a moment, I'm about to ask him who he is and what he has done with Kyle, but I don't want to spoil this moment. I hardly can move, he's double my size after all, but I don't mind, I can't mind, I just feel lost in my world of happiness. The fact that they're so hard to get, makes each hug and each kiss more valuable, and I am too aware of that. 

He's careful, trying not to go too far. Controlling himself, as he said. With a sweet smile, he kisses my collar bones and his hair in my face makes me giggle. I hug him and rub my nose against his neck, and since that doesn't scare him away, I go further and give him several short kisses there too.

He's also kissing my neck now, and the movement puts his ear at my mouth's reach. I continue kissing without thinking, and his round, human ear is such a sweet place to dally about… 

Art by Aosuka

But as soon as he feels my breath there, I notice a change in his pace, in his movements. Suddenly control is over. He moans, and his breathing becomes faster and sounder. He holds me tighter, takes my head with his hands and forces me to face him, so he can kiss my lips like he has never kissed them before. Something has changed. His face shows a dangerous expression, and against all odds I like it. It excites me, and I lose control too. 

"Ohmakerohmakerohmaker", I whisper. Seems I'm turning religious after all.

For a moment our bodies have not enough of the other. His hands leave my head and my hair to hold me even tighter than before. I put my legs around his waist like begging him to continue, asking him not to go away again. He continues kissing my lips, my face, my neck, my ears, as if there was no tomorrow. I feel all my skin burning, and I think that if the Maker has sent us a fire to punish us, I want to burn in it forever.

I feel his hand under my nightdress, trying to touch my skin without stupid fabric in the middle. I think I am sweating. His other hand goes down, trying to get rid of his underwear. The movement brings back a bad memory to my head and for a moment I gasp and freeze. It is just a second, even less than that, but he notices it. The spell is broken.

He stops and takes his hands away as if he had burned them, leaning on them over the mattress to raise his body away from mine. He's still over me, though. His face is red again, but this time it is not the same kind of blushing. He pants. 

"I… I'm sorry… I lost control… I almost…"

I smile. 

"I have liked it too, sweetheart", I reply, teasing but meaning it. I raise a bit my head so my forehead touches his. He seems lost, and terribly guilty. But doesn't change his position, still caging me between his arms. I like it. He glares at me.

"You… don't do that again…" he starts. I guess he means kissing his ear. Seems I found an attack button there.

"I won't, unless you give me permission". I touch his cheek, gently. "But you didn't do anything I didn't want you to do".

He shakes his head. He's still shocked.

"So... how much will you have to pray after this?", I tease him again, trying to make him feel a bit better. It works, he smirks.

"A week"

I giggle. "A week is a lot"

"You're an evil temptress"

He finally turns and leans back on the bed, facing me.

"I bet it wasn't that bad", I try to cheer him up.

"You dirty mind", he teases me. But everything is okay. He's not going to flee this time. 

A part of me is happy this didn't come further. It was so unexpected I must admit I was scared, and now that I think about it, I just prefer to walk a bit slower. To give me time to enjoy each moment and to treasure each little memory a bit more, a bit better.

Shelter. Art by me

"Cuddle time?" he suggests, with a warm smile. Mine is wider when I hear those words. I bet it's even touching my ears.

"Sure!", I reply, while I curl against him and let him stroke my messy hair and caress my back. Pray as much as you want. I already think I am in Heaven.