Three Words

Alone again.

Kyle departed for Denerim five days ago without me and I wonder why. He asked me to wait at The Merry Mabari, because he said I shouldn’t camp in the woods alone. He’s right about this last part, of course. But it’s two days to Denerim and two days back, and that if he doesn’t get lost, as usual. I feel uneasy, nervous and concerned.

First, because the last time I was left alone at the inn, nobody came back, and I can’t help but worry that this time it will be the same. Second, because since we decided to leave the inn together, this may be the first time he’s not by my side. Zara has been kind enough to share the room with me, knowing my phobia to sleep alone, the shadows I see. But it is not the same, even if he always kept the distance and barely touched me, even if we have spent so many nights together in the camp

I look through the window. Dusk is coming and I don’t know if he’ll be back today or I’ll have to spend another night without him. I sit on the bed and look at the lady-like dress I’m wearing. He seems much more comfortable when I wear it, so I use it much more often than I expected when I bought it.

My doubts about his attitude have faded a bit with time. At first I wondered if he was by my side just out of compassion, because it was so hard to get a single kiss, even a hug from him. I said to myself he was shy, he was old-fashioned, but even so... Damn it… I was sure that wasn’t the reaction I had to expect from a man in love.
And my concerns about my own value kept coming back. Being nothing, not even an average elf. Someone whose own kind despises. Whose family left behind. But was I so unable to wake up a male’s desire? What did that say about me?

Then there was that magic morning he let himself to be carried over by his instinct, and then he started to be a bit braver to kiss and hug me in front of other people. And I said to myself it is just a matter of time, and of patience. But I’m still waiting for him to take that final step… to feel I am completely his.

I’m still lost in my thoughts when someone knocks in the door. I rush to open it, faster than I should. And he is there, standing tall against the doorway. At least. I hug him, and he kisses my forehead.

“I missed you. I don’t know what were you doing in Denerim alone, but I don’t want to let you go again without me anymore”.

He just smiles and scratches his head. “It was… something personal. I’m sorry. I had to buy something”.

“Going shopping without me? Oh, man… you’re in trouble”. But I see his concerned face and I soon forget it. “Never mind. Are you tired? Shall we go downstairs and share a beer? Or…” I try to sound seductive again “We can stay here and relax… Maybe you can take off your shirt and I’ll give you a massage”.

He blushes, as usual. And I find it cute, as usual too.

“Mari, please…” he starts. He steps back as if I were burning. Which I am, but that’s a different issue. Suddenly all my concerns while he wasn’t here come back to my head, and I feel furious.

“Oh, no, not again! What’s the problem? You can’t imagine how much I have missed you! You’ll have to take a decission one day!!! I can’t wait forever!!!”

But he turns deadly serious as if he had decided this is the moment to speak. I feel it even in the air around me. This is going to be important.

“We can’t continue this way”, he starts.

So this was it. I scowl.

“Ha. I knew it. So that’s what’s happening… you don’t like me, after all… Or it is just that I am too perverted for you?”

“Maker, no!. I… don’t mean that… I want… but I can’t. Not the way you want, anyway… Not now… But wait… there’s a way…”

He looks in his pockets and takes out a velvet pouch. After opening it, he takes out something shiny and puts it in the palm of his hand.

He kneels. 

“Marry me”

What? I step back, terrified. In his hand shines a simple golden ring, with a polished green stone which tries to look like an emerald. And even so, it must have costed him more than we can afford. My first impulse is to run away, but that would be wrong, and anyway there’s no place to go, so I stop myself.

“Where’s everybody?”. His face says otherwise, but he must be joking. I look around, half expecting the customers of the inn jumping out from their hideouts laughing at me. I’m sure they’re near, waiting to see how the stupid knife eared child believes this joke. Kyle looks at me, as if he didn’t understand. “You’re teasing me, aren’t you?”

He looks puzzled, and even a bit hurt. Either he’s a good actor, or he really doesn’t understand, but I still can’t believe him. “No, no, no… no way. You can’t be serious. Weddings are for the rich ones, for the nobles, for the ones lucky enough to have somebody to arrange a wedding for them at the alienage. Not for someone like me. And plus, you’re human, I’m an elf… I know we aren’t the only mixed couple here…but I doubt anyone outside would approve of the idea.... Who would want to marry an outcast like me?”

“Me”, is his simple and short answer.

And yet, I can’t believe it. I walk around the room, nervous, while he doesn’t move a muscle.

“I’m poor, I have nothing but my body, and you can have it for free, because I’m willing to give it to you. You don’t need to marry me. Why should you? I can’t understand”.

“I love you”.

I stop walking in circles and a I look at him. Those three words are all I wanted to hear, all I needed to hear. Because he had never said them aloud. I always implied them from his acts, but never, never had heard them out of his lips. They change everything and they change nothing, though. Because if he loves me, why does he show it this way? There are thousands of ways to say it. A kiss. A stroke. A hug. A night together. A story shared. A flower picked up on our path. But… marriage?

“Are you serious?”

“Never been more in my whole life”

“But… you know the meaning of this? You don’t need to do it, to get tied to me until death does part us…” and as soon as I say it I realize that’s what makes him so special.
Any other man would just have used me and left me behind as soon as he would have grown tired of me. But he wants to be with me. Forever. Because in this moment, he feels that’s the right thing to do.

But what if he’s wrong? What if he changes his mind in the future?
“We can be together all the same. No need to take any vows…”

“You don’t want”, he stops me, closing his fist around the ring and getting up. The offer is expiring.

“No! I mean… Yes… but…”

I run towards him and hug him, weeping. Please don’t go, I think. Pleasepleaseplease. Damn it, I cry too much.

“It is just… I can’t even grasp it… It is too soon… But maker knows I love you too… so much that it hurts...”

“Shall I take it as a maybe, then?”, he says, a bit more relaxed, while stroking my hair. He’s hugging me tight. It is something.

“A maybe? No… Not a maybe. A yes. A definitive, categorical, emphatic yes. I want to spend my whole life by your side. If you really want.” I wipe out my tears and look at him at the eye. “Just… it’s too soon…Let me just.. grow used to the idea….”

He nods. I hope he understands. I understand him a bit better, actually. Each one of us has our own fears, our own concerns. He wouldn’t be my knight in shinning armor if he had just loved me the first night I had asked him, would he? It makes sense now.

Suddenly, he reaches down and his mouth looks for my lips. He kisses me sweetly, slowly. Without me taking the initiative. I put my arms around his neck and hang on him, sinking my fingers through his silky black hair. Don’t stop, my love. Don’t stop…

I try to imagine myself as a married woman. Mistress Mallory. It sounds weird and makes me feel old. But it has something beautiful, too. Feels like a home, a shelter. And I never had a family name, nobody in the alienage cared to keep one for me. I could definitely get used to this one. Damn it, Mari… where’s your “Don’t get attached to anyone” motto?. Why are you smiling as if you were retarded?
A single thought crosses my mind.
Wait until I tell this to our friends in the inn…

BONUS

According to Trinh, Kyle is the old-fashioned type so he has decided there's only one way to give Mari what she wants...
But we all have our fears... And Mari is absolutely scared of being attached to someone... So this is her very first reaction... And yes, Tim the falcon is facepalming... because he's the only one sane in the group.

Art by Aosuka

After a conversation yesterday with Trinh I just had to draw and upload this sillyness.
We were talking about Mari's new winter armor and she said Kyle wouldn't like her to switch to the two pieces one next summer, because he wouldn't be able to look at her again. And I just said "But... wait, he should be used to see her naked by then?"
Doc: "What?"
Me: "You don't expect Mari to WAIT for a whole year do you???"
And the reply was just "Kyle flees away"
Me: "Mari drags him by his scarf, shouting "Be a man!!!"
Doc: "The scarf stays with Mari... not Kyle".
Now the idea was too hilarious not to be drawn. And yes, the red drops are Kyle's nosebleeding while he flees.
And Mari just feels like Pepe le Pew...