Ghosts from the past

Things have to end to give a chance for new ones to begin, I guess. And after we got Lirya back with us to Highever, it was like a new beginning for her. She was hungry like the wolf, her body aching for all the food she had not provided it during… maybe weeks? How long can an elf live without food and water? Whatever. She made sure to recover properly, and even if we had to wake her up in the mornings and after lunch when she always took a nap to force her to come back to the world of living ones, it was like having her with us again.
And the best news was a change in her mind. I’m still not sure if she was recovering her memories or she was stuck so deeply in the Fade that part of her mind was still sleeping, but to Kyle’s happiness, she started to call him son again. And there’s a recognition gleam in her eyes. Maybe it is just a matter of time.
Maybe she will be completely back sooner or later.

I get out of the house and look into the distance. I’m not actually seeing  anything – not that the alienage has anything interesting to look at anyway. I’m just lost in my thoughts. A gush of cold wind strikes me and I brace myself. How can my life have changed so much?
It looks as if there had been ages since I met Kyle, but when I come to think about it, I realize it has been just a bit more than two years. And in that time, my world has turned upside down. From a lone cat to a married woman. With a mother in law, a dog and … some kind of brotherly noble shem who is always looking for trouble. Oh and let’s not forget my adoptive daughter. I sigh. I don’t even know how to cope with all of this.
The wind brings now a succulent scent and that brings me back to reality. Kyle must have been cooking dinner!! I’m happy he does it. Even if I’m doing my best to learn, twenty years of surviving on scraps and junk have not taught me to perform a proper cooking, and when Kyle takes his time to cook himself the results are much better. I grin, and get back inside home.
Kyle is in the small dinning room, preparing the table, and when he sees me walking inside, he smiles and moves to hug me. I kiss his nose.
“Mmh, what are you cooking? It smells delicious”
Kyle chuckles, his face so happy I would squeeze him. “It’s not me who is cooking. It is Lirya”
And I understand the source of his happiness. Lirya comes out of the kitchen some minutes later, with a tray in her hands which smells delicious, and I can’t help but purr out of pleasure. If it tastes as it smells, this is going to be quite an experience. So I sit on the chair and wield my fork excited as a child. Kyle chuckles, and Lirya’s smile widens into a grin.
“I hope the taste won’t spoil your expectations” she jokes, but I shake my head.
“It doesn’t look so. But I’m a bit surprised. It is the first time I see you cook”.
Lirya shrugs. “I didn’t dare at first. My memories about which herbs were good for poisoning and which ones were good for cooking were a bit mixed. But now I think I remember then properly” she winks.
“Do you mean you’re not sure?” I say perking a brow. I know she’s joking, but the thought is scary. Kyle just grabs the tray and serves me a generous portion of roasted meat, another for Lirya and then he pours the rest of the food in his own plate.
“Just call a healer” he says. “I’ll be your guinea pig”, and starts munching as if there was no tomorrow. We all laugh.
This feels so much like a family…

Short after we take over the succulent dinner, Lirya excuses herself and says she has to go to bed. That spoils a bit the feeling of happiness. Not only because our family dinner time ends too soon… It’s because we know the reasons she’s gone.
She still has to perform her gatekeeper task.
When we woke her up in Denerim, she was confused at first, then angry because she felt she had to stay watching the gate and we had not allowed her to do it. It took Kyle a long argument to convince her she could wake up, at least from time to time, to stay with her family and to perform the basical life needs… Eating, drinking and so on. Even if after death her spirit surely could have continue watching the gate, we wanted her to survive. Kyle wanted her to survive. Too many deaths in his life lately.
Kyle looks at her leaving with a sad expression, and I put a hand on his shoulder to try to cheer him up.
“Now I know who did you take your cooking skills from” I say. But he sighs.
“Why?” he just whispers. “Why everybody I love has to go?”
“What can I say?” I sigh too. “I think it is the price we must pay”. I suddenly remember Dorella and Willow, and their sacrifice to save us and help us retrieve the Cousland relic. “Some people have to do it so others can continue living”.
He takes my hand and kisses it, but I already know the night has been spoiled.
“Look at the bright side”, I say. “She’s back. With us. Alive. Hey, and she cooks for us!”
The sad smile in his face is reward enough, but anyway I need to take the dark thoughts out of his head somehow, so I lean down to bite his ear.
“Last one to arrive to the kitchen will have to wash the dishes” I whisper, and run away, knowing that no matter who arrives last, we will do it together.
I arrive first, but just by a hair. As soon as I put my hands on the border of the sink, he grabs my waist and lifts me up, laughing. I kick and punch, but with no harming intentions, until he spins me to face him and I can kiss his nose.
“Are you trying to bribe me to wash the dishes for you?” I tease. He grins.
“I just want to share kitchen time with you” he says wickedly, and makes me sit on the counter to kiss me deeply. I close my eyes to enjoy the moment, and when I move my hands to embrace him better I feel something falling to the ground. Damn it. I don’t even have time to curse in loud voice. Kyle moves also without thinking (who can think in a moment like this?) and steps over whatever I let fall, which breaks with a crunchy sound.
The spell is broken. Like the dish.
I’m trying to avoid Kyle look down to the floor, but he smiles and ignores me. Leaving me sitting over the counter, he leans down and grabs the pieces of the broken dish. If he had not stepped upon it, maybe it wouldn’t be broken, but now it is beyond any repairs. He sighs.
“You know? Most of the dishes here were purchased by Lirya, when she got this house”.
I nod, suddenly feeling like an intruder.
“Maybe we should consider to move to our own house, then”
And as soon as I say it I regret it, because I know this only will cause him more ache.
Kyle looks at me as if I were talking in Anders. “Our own house? And who would take care of Lirya… specially make her wake up in the mornings?”
I sigh. He’s right, and I suddenly feel old and caged. “To think I was reluctant to have children because I didn’t want to have to stay at home caring for them…”
“But this is different”, Kyle protests. “Lirya is a capable adult, and once someone makes sure she didn’t get stuck in the Fade, she can do anything by herself. Heck, she can even come with us adventuring! She was a bard once. I’m sure she has faced death even more often than us!”.
I smile and nod, but my smile is sad. I don’t mind adventuring with friends but this?
“I bet Tahl would come too, eh? Adventuring together keeps the family close”, I joke, taking the broken pieces of the dish from his hands. “Well… at least your mom’s deep sleep doesn’t let her hear my screams when we make love”, I say, and his face blushing crimson rewards me, at least a bit.
All right, I may sound selfish, but who likes to have their mother in law living with them at home, sleeping just two doors away from the bedroom you share with your spouse?.
Those are some of the thoughts that cross my mind while I roll on the bed that night, restless and unable to get asleep. Not even Kyle’s attentions have been enough to make me fall in the Fade’s arms, but I try not to disturb him and I pretend to be sleeping when he gets up to go outside for his training time. I sigh and hug the pillow, but sleep continues being a hard mistress and I finally get up too, going to the kitchen to get a hot drink to warm both my body and my soul.
That’s how Kyle finds me, sitting on the table and sipping some chocolate, when he returns from the training time, his dark hair wet and his breath becoming steam because of the contrast between the cold outside and the warm temperature in the kitchen. He perks a brow.
“Still awake?”
“I couldn’t sleep” I sigh, sipping my drink. “Do you want a cup of chocolate too?”
He rubs his hair with a white towel. “I’d love it. It’s raining outside and the wind doesn’t help. I feel frozen”
“I had noticed”, I smile, getting up to pour some hot chocolate in a mug for him. He follows me and holds my waist while I do it, making me shiver. “Hey! Your hands are frozen indeed!”
“That why I want to warm them in your heath”, he chuckles. “So you couldn’t sleep, eh? Why?”
I give him his chocolate and let my head rest in his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I sigh. But don’t know what to reply, so I just stay silent.
He strokes my hair softly, not knowing what to say either. After all, I am the talkative one. Finally he kisses my forehead and moves towards the kitchen table, sitting on a chair to finish his chocolate.
“We should come back to bed, honey”, he says, hiding a yawn. “There’s still some time to dawn.
I nod. I take the empty mugs and put them on the sink, then I see the broken pieces of the dish and I don’t know why, I feel sad again. He takes my hand, and silently pulls, and I let him do.
Time to go back to bed. This time the chocolate and his warmth do the miracle, and I fall asleep.
But my plans to stay lazy in bed are spoiled again by dogs barking and voices speaking outside. I groan while I look for Kyle’s body by my side and groan even louder when I realize he’s not there. I get up yawning and scratching my head and recognize the voices.
“Ryan…”
The name of the shem comes followed by all the swearing I know, even some Antivan “tacos” Adri taught me when we were together at the inn. Trouble, as always. I can’t forget all the problems that damn medal of Highever brought… and the damn gate to the Fade which… well, it led to us finding where Lirya was, but has tied us to her home during all these weeks too.
Though if he’s bringing up some adventure, I suppose I can give him another chance, I say to myself, while looking for some clothes to put on and combing my hair quickly to meet the noble. Kyle is already talking to him. I suppose that gives me some time.
When I get out, still scratching my head and hiding a yawn, Ryan shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, Mari. I didn’t mean to disturb you”
“It’s okay, Ryan”, I sigh. “I… didn’t sleep well tonight, but it was time to get up” I lie. “What’s the matter? Is it for Kyle’s eyes only?”. The last question is a bit bitter. I know they’re childhood friends and sworn brothers, but I hate when Ryan’s news are supposed to bring adventures which only involve Kyle and not me. Ryan chuckles.
“Well… I guess you can look at this too, since you were involved”. He shows me a bunch of letters.
“What is this?” I ask.
“Dorella’s notes and correspondence”, Ryan says. “Since she died without heirs, I talked to my contact in Antiva to see if he could send me her research notes”.
“About the Medal of Highever” I sigh. He nods.
“That was the intention. But I found more”, he says, handing me a couple of letters.
I grab the letters, a bit confused, tossing a glance to Kyle. He already knows, or so do his eyes say. But it seems they want to play the mysterious and make me read the letters before telling me what it is all that fuss about, so I give a look at them.
I’m impatient by nature, and these letters, written with an unfamiliar handwriting, aren’t easy to read. So I jump from one paragraph to another. “That woman has betrayed me… How could I be so naïf to tell her my secrets… I don’t give a damn about where her husband is…”. I remember Dorella said she had a talented servant she tried to train in magic and I guess this is what she’s talking about. For what I understand from the letters, the woman used that knowledge to try to retrieve her husband, who had abandoned her for another woman, and that attracted the templars attention towards Dorella, causing her to leave Nevarra in a hurry. Well, and what’s the matter with all this?, I wonder. That didn’t teach her a lesson, since she had the same problem with Nada. Dorella was careless about her secrets even with us, and I guess that’s what caused her death…
And then I come to the letter Kyle and Ryan were expecting me to read, and I freeze…
“Dear Dorella
Following your instructions, I managed to find safe passage to Highever, Ferelden for your servant Serena Kent and her daughter Lindy…”
I slowly leave the letter over the table and look at both of them, Ryan and Kyle. The letter is dated in 9:07 Dragon… I guess it makes sense. Finally I break the silence.
“So what? The world is a small place and Dorella knew Lindy and her mother. Very well. What is so important about it?”
Ryan realizes the anger in my voice because he tries to appease me.
“Nothing, my dear Mari, nothing… I just thought… you…” He hesitates and I know that you only meant “Kyle” at first. “… had to know”
I snort and look at my husband. He tries not to look at me in the eye and I understand the harm is done. Why on Thedas had Ryan to come and open old wounds like that? Lindy wasn’t a shadow between us from ages… and now this…
“To know what?” I grunt. “That Dorella sent her to Ferelden? And what does it change? She’s dead!”
“Her mother was a mage”, Ryan says. “Untrained, but a mage. And she probably was too”.
“She was” I say determined. “That’s how she healed Kyle’s eye”.
“If we had just known”, Kyle says, his hand on his forehead. “Maybe she could have had proper training… maybe she could…”
…have survived, I finish the line in my mind, and even if it sounds selfish, I hate the consequences of the idea… because that means I would have never met him… or worse, he would have been already married to her when I did.
So I decide to do the only thing which crosses my mind, to get his attention back to me again, and to appease myself.
I step forward and grab my husband’s nape, to kiss him hard, a kiss born out of frustration, but also of hope and reality. A kiss to remind him about his feelings towards me.
And that works, because he only takes a fraction of a second to reply to my kiss, enjoy it and make it long and sweet.
Lindy is gone again. Her shadow can’t darken for long what’s between us. I know a small part of Kyle’s heart will never forget her, but the rest is mine. And I won’t let it go easily. She is dust now. And the future belongs to us. That’s what our kiss say, and we take our time to listen to our hearts. And when I finally step back, I think we both feel much better, the ghosts of the past gone, at least for this time.
Ryan bounces a bit, awkward, and for once he doesn’t seem to know how to get out of the mess. He starts collecting the letters again and mutters. “Most of this is magical gibberish… But but but I thought… well I need to research about that medal, because if I can find the enchantment used on it… well… we can use it to prevent…” he glances quickly at my tummy “… any harm to your children”.
I stare at Ryan for a moment, then at Kyle. Then at Ryan again.
“So… that’s what you wanted the medal for, all this time?” I ask completely puzzled. He nods. And me that I though he wanted it because of sentimental value!
“I had read about the enchantment against Flemeth. That’s what led me to the ancestors story, in first place…”. He stops a bit, then continues. “Berrygold was a powerful mage, Mari. She was the one who enchanted the medal for Regina and Sarim. But she left no notes about it… and as you remember, her spirit was too disturbed to share any information about it when we contacted her”
“That’s why you wanted Dorella’s notes”
Ryan nods again. “Dorella had the same goal. She had been living under the fear that Flemeth would come one day and possess her body… or even her children if she had any. She had devoted most of her life to research about that, so she had quite an advantage over me. And since despite her efforts, or maybe because of her fear, she had no heirs and there was nobody to claim that knowledge, what better way to honor her memory than continue studying them myself?”
I chuckle “Don’t forget to mention that was your goal from the beginning”
He smiles a bit guilty. “I didn’t want her to die that way, though. I really liked that woman”
“Since when is there a woman you don’t like, my friend?” Kyle intervenes, his green eyes sparkling amused.
“Shhhh! Don’t let Nadette know that!” Ryan hushes, laughing with us.
After the fun moment, Ryan turns serious again and takes a book from the satchel where he had been storing the letters and shows it to me. I open my eyes wide when I recognize it, despite the spots of dirt and the ruined aspect it has.
“That is…?”
“Edanhor’s journal, yes”, Ryan says. “I found it on the marsh, after we closed the gate”.
I move my hands to get it. “They told us… there was nothing left…” I mumble. Ryan lets me take it, but he doesn’t withdraw his hand.
“Mari… I would like to keep it too. I know… there’s personal stuff written there… but if I can find any clue about how he did that… trick to transfer his soul to another body, it will help me with the enchantment”
I nod and release it. “I guess it’s better if you have it”, I say, a bit sad. “It only brings bad memories”.
Kyle squeezes my shoulder and sighs.
I raise my hand to grab Kyle’s hand, grateful for his support, as always. But it is not such a big deal, actually. I almost didn’t notice when Dorella disappeared in the Deep Roads with the diary in her backpack, and I won’t notice it under Ryan’s custody either. Edanhor was a part in my life, but the less I think about him, the better.
I move towards the kitchen. “If we’re finished talking business, are you going to stay for breakfast?” I ask to our visitor.
Ryan waves his hands, looking scared, as if I were going to kill him with my bare hands.
“Don’t worry about me, dear Mari!!! Just five minutes more, and I’ll go back home! I have already stolen enough of your time”
His attitude is suspicious, and I perk a brow.
“You sure? No more secrets? Nothing else you want to plot with Kyle?”
And the two friends exchange a look and I know I have put a finger in the wound again.
I rub my forehead and sigh, using all my patience not to jump at Ryan’s throat.
“All righ. What is it this time? A surprise trip to climb the Anderfells mountains? A reception in Orlais?”. I frown at them. “Did you even plan to count on me for it?”
Because to be honest, that’s what pisses me more. I know Ryan and Kyle are like brothers, and that they have been sharing adventures since they were children. But now I am part of Kyle’s life too, and I’m tired that Ryan never counts on me… or only counts when he realizes I’m not going to allow to be left behind.
Ryan starts to stammer, but Kyle puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Of course WE counted on you, Mari!” he says, determined.
“Sure. Like when he sent you to find the damn medal of Highever without me” I mumble. “And the worst part of it is that you always do as he commands!”
Kyle scratches his head, a bit uncomfortable. He knows I’m right.
“That’s because your task was more important!” Ryan tries to appease me. Sure. The one I had to perform with Tahl.
“Next time, make sure it’s the grumpy elf the one to go alone, and let me go with my husband” I grunt.
Ryan sighs. “Mari… Tahl and you were the ones who had to go to that tomb. It was dalish territory. We humans wouldn’t have been welcome”.
I see he’s serious now, and that somehow he’s right, but still doesn’t change the fact that if I’ve married Kyle is to be by his side, not to be parted in different ways each time Ryan wants to involve us in a silly quest.
The dogs come playing into the kitchen, and their barking provide the Cousland the distraction he needed.
“Well. This time we all are going together” he says cheerful. “Shall we start preparing everything?”
“Do we have an option?” I say, cynically.
Ryan grins and takes a rolled up piece of paper from his bag. It is brittle and old, and it creeps when he spreads it over the table, but we can clearly see it is a map. After all my travels with Kyle I have some geography knowledge, and I see where he wants to lead us.
“Seheron?” I say, a bit scared.
He shakes a bit his head. “Not exactly. Look. This island”. He points at a tiny island at the far right of the big one. “Mostly unexplored, and close enough to Rivain to be a nice place for pirates to hide their treasures. We can go by ship to Antiva, take a shortcut by land and take another ship at the north of Arlathan forest. That way we will avoid the Northern Passage, in case the Qunari are in dangerous mood”.
I follow the route he’s marking with his finger and I smile. I can see Kyle’s eyes gleaming, and I must admit I’m feeling interested too. Such a long trip, so many new places to visit!
And the prize, of course.
Ryan said “treasure”. And my loot sense is already tingling.
It is not that we need the money that much. I’m not saying we’re rich, but most of our adventures have been productive enough to allow us to make a good living with our savings, or to start some kind of business. But well… for that we need to settle down, and seems we both have no intention to do that. So we can’t stop the money flowing. And a pirate treasure sounds good enough.
But Ryan… what interest has Ryan, the son of a noble home, who never lacked a copper, in a pirate treasure? I glance at him. So innocent, so excited. But I’ve already learnt to know him. He’s plotting something.
There’s something in that treasure he wants. And it’s not the gold.
“Oh well”, I say to myself. “Who cares. We’ll learn it when we’re there. With time. Isn’t adventure what we wanted?”
Ryan gets up and starts rolling the map up again. The cracking sound gets on my nerves.
“Then it’s decided! We’ll part in a week, if I get passage for a ship”. Then he turns to Kyle. “Is it okay if tomorrow we meet at sunrise to fetch some supplies?”
Kyle glances at me and then nods. “I guess so, if it is only shopping”.
“I will check our clothes and any other things we may need to carry in the meanwhile”, I reassure him. “You know I don’t like getting up so early anyway”.
Kyle gets up and kisses my forehead. “So actually you will check nothing, but just stay the morning sleeping” he teases me. I laugh.
“The temptation will be too strong” I agree. “But what if we realize we need new clothes or new weapons because the ones we have are too old or not suitable for those tropical places?”
Kyle chuckles. “We can always purchase them on the way. You know as well as I do that Antivan steel and leather are awesome… and I bet you’d look gorgeous in a Rivaini pirate outfit”
I purr. The idea also appeals to me. Maybe a short shirt and tight trousers, leaving my waist naked. Kyle would protest if I wore that out of the house, of course… but feeling his hands in my bare waist… brrrr! I shake my head to take the thought away and smile wicked to him.
“Then even better. I will wait for your return in bed, so you better hurry”.
And the way he returns the smile to me shows me he’s thinking the same I do.
Ryan starts bouncing from one foot to the other, scratching his nape, and I can see our conversation is making him nervous. He excuses himself.
“Well… I… I think it’s time for me to leave” he stammers. “Come on, Nero!” he calls his mabari, who reluctantly stops playing with Nelson, and they both leave. Nelson whines a bit by our side, but soon something else catches his attention and he runs barking happily out of the kitchen, maybe to chase a bird or just to scare the neighbours. Happy dog’s life. And he’s contagious.
I turn to Kyle. “Well. Alone at last” I say, stroking softly his chest over the shirt. “Maybe we can take a bit of time for us before waking up Lirya?”
He growls in his throat and I am sure that he agrees. Good.
In less time than I can even react, he’s already kissing me and pushing me towards our bedroom, pulling my clothes away, while I try to do the same with his, in the rush the flame of our desire causes us.
“You should tell Ryan never to come in the morning” I pant in his ear. “He steals too much time from us in the bed”. He chuckles.
“I think no time in the day would be good for him to come, then”. His mouth leaves my skin a moment enough to say this, then it returns to nibble my ear. “Besides, this is an excuse as good as any other to rip your clothes away”, he purrs there, arousing me immediately.
It’s amazing how I never get tired of his hands, his kisses, his body. Every single time we make love is different. As in a different universe, our bodies meet for the very first time, again and again. The thought somehow crosses my mind as my body shakes in an uncontrolled climax, and when I collapse in the bed, I know that means our love will last forever.

I’m now lying on the bed, my head conveniently resting in the socket of his armpit, licking his ribcage just for the fun, when he turns at me, obviously disturbed by the tickles.
“What are you up to, you mischievous minx?” he says, seeing my smile.
“What makes you think I’m up to something?”
“You’re making a cat face…”, he chuckles. “That means you have dirty thoughts”.
I grin now.
“I was thinking our love will be eternal. Like the one in the stories”
“Did you have any doubt about that?” he laughs, turning to lick my ear. I struggle a bit, just for the fun.
“Of course I didn’t!”, I laugh too. “But I wanted to let you know you’ll have it hard to get rid of me”. I jump over him and sit astride his hips, making it clear I am ready for a second session.
“You greedy one” he whispers in my ear. But I can feel in my buttocks he’s more than ready too. “Maybe eternity won’t be enough to satiate you”
“Never”, I agree.


And in the afterglow, as usual, I realize our story has no ending. It is fun, because most love stories finish when the couple gets married… And for us, that was hardly the beginning!
But, to be honest, no story has an ending. It just needs a moment to stop telling it, because it becomes too much of a routine, too boring. But not ours. Maybe, when one of us is gone, the pain will make it to hard to continue telling it. Maybe, if we go together, people behind us will fall to do it. But I know that, as long as we are together, our story will continue being worth living it.
I look at his profile, at his calmed features, and I know my heart will belong to him forever. If there’s a life after this one, I know our souls will be together there. We will find a way.
I know he is my only reason for living. I think about all the things I’ve given up for him, and I know I wouldn’t be able to do it for anybody else. And I wonder what would happen if I he left me… Would I accept it and leave too? Or would I mourn him every single day? Probably both.
Probably…